First thing is the disclaimer. Please excuse the length of this. I have heard the word “write” since the last blog but I could not figure out what I was to write about until tonight when it started forming in my mind.
Okay, here I am coming upon the first of November. As I continue to try and comprehend and process 2009 and start thinking toward 2010 I feel like I’m running on a treadmill and not going anywhere.
At the beginning of the year I asked God for a word….he provided me with the word “Fear” that is what we were going to work on for this season of my life. When I heard the word I started wondering okay, which fear, I have so many of them. Being the loving Father He is He helped me make a list of the ones I already knew about….fear of rejection, fear of abandonment, fear of the unknown future, fear of snakes, fear of public speaking, fear of losing those I love, fear of being seen for who I really was/am (insecure), fear of losing my possessions, fear of……, you get the picture. I thought to myself, boy this is going to be a long, rough year…. if only I knew exactly what I was in for.
Let’s see, where do I start. I guess the year started off pretty good, although crazy with scheduling. I was finishing my last semester of my Associates Degree in Criminal Justice which I was obtaining via distance ed at a local college. I was planning on changing careers and knew the field I thought I wanted to go into (although now I’m not sure) and that I thought God wanted me in (not sure on this either at this point). I was taking four classes, working, attending all of Kierstyn’s events, and with the help of my fantastic husband I was taking care of my parents, trying to keep up with cooking, grocery shopping, cooking, being Treasurer of the church I attend and of Revive Liberia, a missions group I have been a part of since the beginning. Then February hit, and from that point on I’ve been just hanging on trying to keep up with the ride.
Kierstyn’s (my 15-year-old daughter and only child) acting career started to take off taking she and I to California for two weeks, and has provided many eventful, last-minute trips throughout the year to Ohio, Georgia (four to Atlanta), New York, Missouri and getting ready to go back to LA in less than a week. Although trying and inconvenient at times I wouldn’t trade the fun, lessons and memories she and I have from all of this. The worst part of it was Tony (my husband, Kierstyn’s dad) was only able to go on one of the Atlanta trips with us, so it was hard being away from him so much this year.
In March, after six years, the last couple rough and more stress than any one person should have to endure my business partner and I ended our partnership. With my health declining, the Lupus and Fibromyalgia would not go into remission, migraines continued to become more frequent and intense and I was continuously exhausted. There was just no need to continue trying to compromise, it was best for all involved.
My health continued to decline and nobody could find any answers for it, no matter how many specialists I saw. That all changed when on July 2 I had my thyroid removed. I was then told on Friday, July 10, 2009 “my dear, you have thyroid cancer.” At 37 years of age, normal thyroid tests and biopsies this was not expected. After being told other than skin cancer this was the best type of cancer to have I was then set to endure a rough few months as my body was prepared for the radiation treatment and now as it tries to recover from the treatment. So much for thinking the surgery was going to help my health immediately. Okay, so I’ve endured the treatment, but the emotional stuff is still here as is the continuous testing on other areas to make sure the cancer has not spread to these other masses they have found over the last couple of years. This doesn’t appear it will end anytime soon.
Next in line we receive a letter that the state has decided to widen the highway we live on and will be purchasing 1/2 acre of our property. Of course this puts our house closer to the road. Tony works as a mechanic for the Indiana Department of Transportation t so we know what rights we have and how the state has the right to condemn and take it if we refuse to sell. Why even try to stop it, it will be better for the traffic on this highway and will hopefully be safer for all. Little did we know the process was going to be at least a year long in getting all the paperwork settled….okay so that isn’t going away anytime soon…just something else to keep dealing with but nothing we can do to speed up the process.
My transfer to a four-year college to continue pursuing my Bachelor’s degree had been placed on hold from June, to August, well dealing with treatments so let’s move it to the October start….great, that will work. Here I set, six days from the time I board a plane to go to LA and I find out my classes start the same day. Okay, no big deal, it’s all done via distance ed still so I will just have to take it with me, however, it isn’t that simple because I still can’t get my books. The Federal Department of Education picked my loan application out to be further verified so I’ve had to provide more documentation and wait for the school financial aid office to clear my paperwork so I can have my books shipped.
Three weeks ago Friday night my husband went to an annual men’s fellowship event called bullets & Bibles. A former member of our church holds it at his house every fall. It is a group of guys from different churches that get together, eat, camp, shoot their guns and just fellowship. I love that Tony goes to these events, he isn’t one to sit down and read a Bible or do much publicly in regards to his faith. He is a fantastic husband, father, friend and person, he is just not one to do a public display of faith beyond going to church and in most of his actions. Anyway, I was sound to sleep at 9:00am that Saturday morning when the telephone rang. It was my husband telling me he was being taken to the hospital by the guy that hosts the event because one of his guns had discharged and the bullet went through his foot. He then told me he felt like he was going to get sick and had to go. So as you can imagine I jumped up, called out to Kierstyn, my parents asked me what was going on so they ended up getting ready and drove e to the hospital. Now part of the problem with this entire situation besides the obvious I didn’t know how bad things were because I didn’t know which gun it was since he had taken four of them ranging from his pistol to his shot guns. Thankfully, God was with him because it turned out it was his pistol and not only that but he didn’t hit anything but the edge of a nerve, not one bone was touched. We were also blessed the surgeon we wanted was on call. Tony went into surgery and kept over night at the hospital. He is recovering well under the circumstances, he will still get to go with us on this LA trip coming up and will possibly get back to work around Thanksgiving if things continue to go well.
As the treasurer of my church Owen Valley Christian Fellowship from its beginning I’ve had to watch the enemy attack the leaders and congregation in such a way that makes it so difficult. I’m sure many of you have read of some of the problems at my pastor’s blog http://billgrandi.ovcf.org/wordpress/.
So as I’m trying to figure out, absorb and deal with all of 2009, I’m beginning to wonder if I want to ask for a word in 2010….I’m thinking this fear issue may still be the one. I know there are so many lessons in this year but I’m at point I feel like I can’t focus on anything. I have so many books I have started reading but haven’t finished one of them yet. I’ve started two different Bible studies but haven’t finished either of them, all of this along with many other things I’ve started this year but not finished.
For the last three years, after my pastor, along with some friends within our church and my parents helped my husband and I save our marriage I have been so worried trying to figure out who I was/am, what God’s will was/is for me, what my purpose was/is, how would I know if it was God speaking to me and if I’m raising my daughter correctly, I didn’t see any of this other stuff coming. For some reason I felt it was very important to figure these things out this year. I’m going to be 38 in a few weeks and if I don’t have these things figured out or know how to figure them out how can I guide my daughter to figure them out. I should be an adult woman at this point, not someone just running in place, but I guess God had other things for me to focus on this year, obviously these questions I thought were so urgent this year were not as urgent for God.
Who am I to say the answers are not already here and He is just waiting for me to shut up and listen to Him. Maybe all the answers are in all the events from the year. I’ve told everyone throughout my life that would listen that my Heavenly Father has tried to teach me patience since I was born and I still have not learned that either. Im one of those that even a 2×4 doesn’t always work well. Maybe this is another one of those times. I have a few more weeks before 2010, maybe He will hit me upside the head with all the lessons along with my focus for 2010.
What about you, have you taken time to think back over this year to this point and look at all the possible lessons in it?
