Ok, here I set at 5:50am. I didn’t get to sleep until 2:30 and woke back up at 4:00am. I’m so tired and sleepy and yet all I can do is toss and turn. There are so many things on my mind and yet I don’t know where to start making changes to make things better.
As things stand now, I have not been in church with my family in over six weeks. This is something I haven’t done since I rededicated my life on December 29, 2002. I have tried being so much better and had done well until this year. Why is it that I get everything ready on Saturday nights, go to bed early so I can get up on time. Then either I toss and turn and don’t get to sleep until late and the I over sleep or I wake up sick or whatever. Is this the enemy’s way of keeping e from church and my church family? There is no reason to not want to be there. There is no reason to avoid anyone and y week always goes so much better when I spend Sunday mornings with my church family.
I am now three weeks and working on being four weeks behind on school assignments. After much discussion Tony and I decided I would go back to school so that I would have something to do that would maybe start getting me back into my old life. Nope, instead I just keep pushing it until “tomorrow” using whatever excuse to myself that I need to use to convince myself things will be okay.
I have many friends who are very dear to me. These people have offered to come to the house and visit, and help me in any way they can and yet I don’t set up times to visit. Again, I just push it to another tie or try to avoid it and keep myself secluded away from people, using whatever excuse I need to use on myself to convince myself it is okay.
I have a CASA case involving a girl who really needs someone to advocate for them. I was on the case before but stepped away during the entire cancer treatment thing. I went back on the case about three weeks ago and yet I have done very little on it. Again each day I find some reason to delay doing anything to the next day. Again, day after day passes and it turns into another week passing and nothing being done.
Kierstyn was blessed while we were in California and was signed by one of the top agents in Los Angeles in the youth area. Kierstyn had new pictures done and they have been selected by the agent and are ready to be ordered. I have once again put off every day calling and getting them ordered and getting things set up for another trip out to LA after the first of the year.
I have gained another 20 pounds. Let’s see, that makes a total of 70 pounds in about fourteen months. Of course my back, legs and knees are killing me and my feet and legs are swelling. Think about this vicious cycle….I have a lot of the weight gain and pain because I’ve been down for so many months and my body isn’t use to carrying this weight and being active, of course my body isn’t going to get use to activity again unless I get active and my weight isn’t going to go down until I get more active. I feel like it is one huge circle and there is no place to begin. I don’t feel like being active because of the weight and yet I’m not going to get rid of the weight until I become active. I know some of this will come as the medicines are straightened around as well but there is more than just the medicines in this.
None of this is me, not the me I was before March of this year when we closed down the business, and then I received the cancer diagnosis in July. I’ve always been one that loves to be around people and have people over. I love to host events and have people in the house. I’ve always enjoyed going out and socializing. I went back to school so I could advocate for the youth, not to be another person to let them down. Kierstyn and her career have been very important to me, if I mess this up it could really create problems for her in the future in LA. I don’t even know where to begin about the entire church thing, I love going to church and fellowshipping with everyone. I want a love and passion for God like I’ve never had for anyone or anything else and yet it’s like I keep doing everything I can to sabotage it.
This is a time that I really can get everything in order and on track. When I was working I used that as an excuse for not getting in better shape and not having the time or energy for visiting and doing other things. Well now I’m not working and it doesn’t look like I will be working for a while anyway. My long-term disability through the insurance company has been activated and so I’m being paid almost as much as I was working and I’m eligible for it until either the age of 65 or I’m able to return to work, whichever comes first.
Okay, so now why am I not doing it, why am I doing more it seems to sabotage than I am helping myself out? Why am I not taking my pastor and friends up on their offers of help and visits, why am I not having one of my great friends from church become an accountability person for me? I know they would do it, so what is my deal? Is it still the fear of getting back into things to just have them taken from me again due to another health crisis? Is it a lack of trust I have at this point? I understand it seemed life was going good and then the rug was yanked out from under me with the business, my health issues and then Tony’s accident in October. This, however, should not stop me from going back out and living my life. Life is an adventure and this has just been one of the valleys of it, I’m sure there will be some great peaks at some point if I would just get back to living it. Life is a gift I need to enjoy and although I continue to say I’m happy just being home, I’m not supposed to isolate myself, that isn’t the way God intended me to live my life. So, how am I going to resolve this, at this point these are the prayers I’m asking God to answer. “Please give me a love and passion for you and for life that I’ve never had before. Show me how to get away from all the sin and my old life patterns I’ve slipped back in to. Forgive me for taking so long and feeling sorry for myself. Show me what you want me to do and what lessons you want me to learn from this year.”
Any thoughts or suggestions, I would love to hear them?
November 29, 2009 at 3:47 pm |
Trying to figure out what to say. You already know that I love you, T & K. I do think that we get into “depression mode” when we focus on ourselves. (I preached about this today). As Camey is fond of saying: dangerous prayers are said for you everyday. I do pray that your passion for Jesus will be renewed and you will have a life in Him like you have never had before.
December 5, 2009 at 11:10 am |
Hi Danaye,
Just read this today (Dec. 5) and I’m glad to hear from you, even if it is a pity party!! I still hear a determined and spunky person, who has NOT given up and sees where changes need to be made. Sometimes just putting things down in print helps make them clearer. Keep praying (talking to your heavenly Father about it) and KNOW that He is listening and WILL ANSWER. Love and prayers, Sally
December 5, 2009 at 11:22 am |
Hey Danaye—another thought. Sometimes if Eli is having trouble making a decision about something, I tell him to make a list of the pros and cons or most important to least important. Maybe getting all of your “projects” down on paper would help you prioritize them or at least pray about them and “see”which courses of action you might want to take. Love, Sally